Toys-R-Us never saw us coming, but they sure knew when we arrived.
Superman first had to make a break for the action figures to see if he had any new available likenesses. Sam Jackson and I perused GI Joe and Transformer reissues. Praises and critiques of the newest version of Snake Eyes or the smaller scale of Optimus Prime were made. Sam had, at the time, an affinity for He-Man toys, so these were observed and discussed as well. In short, having exhausted all immediately available options upon which to focus our collective ADD, more entertainment was required.
It began with a ball. (You know how guys like to play with their balls, right?) Tossing a stray medium-sized ball up and down isles was hardly challenging enough for the superior intellect of our party, so this soon graduated to playing catch between moving objects such as skateboards or scooters. Passes down the length of open isles became blind tosses over display racks. This continued until the moment Sam discovered the Holy Grail.
A child-sized Hot Wheels scooter beckoned Sam like a Siren from across the aisle.
Sam, unable to resist the glittering mischief suggested by the coquettish scooter, mounted it without hesitation and was immediately consumed with a gleeful and devilish pleasure. Giddy with the experience, Sam careened around the open spaces and slithered through the narrow ones with an eager gleam in his eye.
After the second or third pass, we spied the launch ramps.
These particular ramps were of the variety of corrugated, molded plastic designed to facilitate the hurling of small children on skateboards into oncoming traffic, down flights of stairs, or into painted metal railings. We made haste in positioning one of these in the widest possible aisle.
Word of our spectacle was quickly spread throughout toyland, and a small crowd soon gathered to watch Sam make a buffoon of himself. As the audience encircled him, Sam made a few precautionary passes as a precursor to the actual event. When sufficient audience support had been mustered, Sam made his approach.
After a mere three kicks, the Hot Wheels scooter had reached an alarming rate of speed. As the front wheel made contact with the ramp, it became immediately apparent that the apparatus had no non-skid application. The ramp skidded unceremoniously from beneath the scooter. Sam lost control but avoided certain disaster by clowning his way out of a near-collision with an adjacent end–cap display. Undaunted by this initial failed attempt, the ramp was repositioned and The Rocketman was employed to hold it in place for the second run. Again the crowd was rallied. Again, three swift kicks translated to blistering Hot Wheels speed. To this day, I swear a shockwave was heard as the sound barrier was ruptured.
Sam made contact with the ramp, and this time the integrity of its position was maintained. Sam became airborne. An unfortunate balance miscalculation caused Sam to abandon the scooter prior to hitting the ground, though he was able to maintain control of the vehicle by the handlebars, land gracefully upon his feet, and bring the scooter to an uneventful and intact landing as well.
The cheers of the crowd had by this time attracted the attention of store personnel.
As we scanned the crowd for a means of inconspicuous escape, the ever benevolent Sam spied a young girl amongst the throng. She was wearing the biggest smile any of us had ever seen . . . and she was in a wheelchair. As Sam walked to the girl, she seemed overcome with excitement. She enthusiastically praised his efforts. In the midst of the hilarity, it was touching. It was also likely the only reason we were not ceremoniously ousted from the store.
As with the mall security from earlier in the afternoon, we took the hint of lingering Toys-R-Us employees as a sign to leave.
All told, and in the hindsight of a five-year friendship, I would say this made for an excellent introduction and first day out with my newfound compatriot in calamity.
The day was over, but the legacy of tomfoolery had just begun.
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